8th September 2011
FANG Bing Michael (Mr)
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Mr. XXX Koh
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Dear Mr. Koh,
Application for Electronic Engineer position
I am writing for the electronic engineer position advertised in http://www.jobstreet.com.sg. I am a fresh graduate from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University. I majored in electronic and information engineering in the university. My major ensures me to have the knowledge and skills for the job.
I am eager to work in electronics industry. I really treasure this opportunity and I believe my skills could make me a competitive candidate because:
l I am a fluent user of AutoCAD which is powerful in 2D drawing. This ensures me to understanding 2D drawing quite well.
l I am studious. I taught myself AutoCAD and SolidWorks because I consider these two to be helpful in product design.
l I have good problem-solving skills. I have received two months factory based training at school.
I believe I can apply my knowledge and skills to the electronic engineer position. I am looking forward to discuss with you about the details about this job.
Attached is my detailed resume for your reference. Thank you for your consideration.
Yours Sincerely,
Michael
Hi Michael,
ReplyDeleteYou may want to bold the title/subject.
For the last sentence of the first paragraph, instead of using the word “ensures”, you may like to consider using the word “provides”. -->
My major provides me the relevant knowledge and skills suitable for the job.
The 1st sentence in the 2nd paragraph, should be “… to work in the electronics industry.”
I think you wanted to bullet point those sentences in the 2nd paragraph but it doesn’t appear so in the blog. Maybe you want to edit that? (because your hardcopy cover letter in class was fine).
Also, since you are bulleting it, you should give it in point off and not sentences.
For instance:
- Skillful in AutoCAD for 2D drawing
Hi Michael,
ReplyDeleteIn general I feel it is a streamlined and straight to the point application letter, which is good. Apart from the occasional grammatical errors, this application letter can still be improved.
For instance, with regards to the bullet points, you do not need to explain how or why you obtained that particular skill. The employer only wants to know what you can do, and whether you can do it.
I am not sure exactly what the advertisement was about, but if I were the employer, I do not get any "personal feel" about you, except that you are studious.
"I am a fresh graduate from the Hong Kong Polytechnic University. I majored in electronic and information engineering in the university" could be written as "I am a fresh graduate who majored in electronic and information engineering at Hong Kong Polytechnic University."
Also, further elaborate on the factory based training, what did you do exactly and what skills you learnt can be applied to this job?
I also think the last sentence should be "Thank you for your time", instead of "consideration".
Hi Michael,
ReplyDeleteI think your application letter is concise, but there are still some parts can be improved.
For example, your can make your bullet points brief by using "Good at..." instead of sentences.
What's more,I think you can use more clauses to combine those simple sentences in the first paragraph.
Dear Michael,
ReplyDeleteI felt that you could have stated more clearly how you would benefit the company instead on just telling them what potential you have.
Thanks for leaving a comment on my blog though :)